last gasp of air

Not so long ago, my colleague asked me, if I were to die tomorrow, what would I do in my remaining day on earth?

A very nice question… and my answer, well, write down my last will and testament.
Not because I have so many assets to dispose of, but I just want to leave in a nice and unique way…

So bear with me, as I convey my last wishes…

1. strictly no gambling in my funeral, please…
For crying out loud dudes, go to a casino or a “perya” to satisfy your gambling needs!!! Just don’t use my body as an excuse for your filthy hands. And furthermore, (naks furthermore!), I still believe that my family could provide me a decent funeral rights so don’t make helping my family a justification for your desires… got it? Get it! Good!

2. don’t make my funeral wake too long!
Once I’m dead, I'm dead! I'm worm chow! No need to wait till I resurrect! You are just making it hard for my family to see my corpse each day… Lets just “what the heck! Lets get this thing over with!”

3. though it would be hard, (naks asa pa!) please don’t cry!
Guys, I would be happier, if you would just take it easy and admit the fact that, well, I’m dead! I would be in a better place! Well, I hope! Haha!

4. No walking in my funeral march!
My most important wish!
I have been saying this for the longest time! Every time there is a funeral in our pathetic town, all of the so called “nakikiramay” has to walk from the dead guy’s house, bring the corpse to the church for crappy ceremonies which will make the relatives cry some more; walk again from the church to Sambat-the traditional burial place.. Guys, my point here is not to disrespect the dead guy. Clearly not! Here’s the thing… if one really wants to show their love to the guy, why not show him while he is still alive??! For crying out loud! He cannot hear you nor see you anymore!!!
One more thing, you know that bible verse where it states: “wag kang maging sanhi ng pagkakasala ng iba (still cant find the English version)”. It just bugs me… there was a time that I was walking along Makati Ave and there was a foreigner walking beside me. As we approached a traffic light, it turned red. Obviously, we stopped, but not those locals who just ran across causing a traffic jam, and cars blowing their horns and busting my eardrum. The foreigner screamed, “damn these f***ing people! Though, its improper, I have to agree with the guy! If the persons who ran just waited for their turn, the foreigner (or even the drivers of the cars) could have not cursed or have been angry during that moment. How is that related to my funeral you may ask. Walking during funeral marches causes extreme traffic jam in the puny town of Bauan! So to avoid all the cursing and hot-headedness (if there is such a word) just do the thing quickly.
So please, if my time comes, just do it as swift as possible.
In this regard, a weird idea came to me… If I were elected as the mayor of Bauan, my first law that I will enact is to prohibit slow moving (especially walking) marches. If any citizen retaliates and questions my law, I have to ask them back why do you have to walk and their answer is to pay respect to the dead guy, well screw you! You have been given the ample time to show that “respect” and love they deserve while they were still living. “Too bad for you,” will be my parting words to those people.
And if they still continue to argue, I have to pass another act… I have to tighten the noose… I have to totally prohibit funeral ceremonies… and I know these will raise more eyebrows and serious death threats to me but wait! There still more! If they still don’t agree with me, I have to ban death in Bauan! It is illegal to die during my administration! Although, there is some flaw in this latest law… I still don’t know the punishment in case of non compliance, of course it wouldn’t be death penalty! Ha ha!
Moral lesson… I cannot be an elected government official any time soon! Peace!